Nice or Not ?

I posted this picture because I feel that when you look at it, there is not a way in hell that you can possibly be angry…or mean to others. It just seems to bring about joy. Which I have been purposely trying to do.

I have intentionally been trying to be positive…a positive person. I have intentionally been trying to bring joy to others, in whatever minor way that I can. I thought this would make an improvement on someone, anyone…possibly myself ? It hasn’t. In fact, it makes me want to regress to my teenage years that were filled with angst. I wonder why I should even be nice anymore. I feel as if I had more friends when I was a complete, angry bitch.

I can’t go back to being a bitch. I have daughters now. I have so much love in my heart that I can not begin to imagine being evil again.

Even towards the people I despise, I want nothing but love. I see them as someone’s child…

I don’t even know what I’m saying. I just love everyone and wish that love would be more significant than hate. Ugh, am I a hippie ?

Babies and Merlot…Not Together

That’s my Clementine Marie. She is now a mere 4 months of turning 4. FOUR !!! Where the hell did the time go ? I always thought that was a cliche, but it is entirely too true once you have children.

Speaking of children, I have extreme baby fever. Maybe it’s slightly due to the fact that my sister in law is pregnant…with a boy ! I’m so excited…and secretly crave the current, belly growing condition that she is in. I keep bugging Josh about it. He’s apprehensive. We’re not in the most highly looked upon financial situation…but I can’t help but crave it.

My birthday just passed. It was delightful. My husband and best friend threw me a surprise birthday party. I was somewhat bummed because almost EVERY SINGLE PERSON already had plans beforehand (damn you summertime !), but with the small turn out, I had so much fun.

I have been working, working, working. I had to go to the ER again (what the hell !) because out of nowhere I have ridiculously painful back spasms. Is this due to age ? Does being 25 do this ? I feel 40 sometimes and yet Josh always reminds me that my thought process and excitement levels are that of a child. I enjoy thinking like a child, being around children, and all around enjoy the little things in life.

I always feel so…under accomplished. I need to stop…I think. I compare myself to everyone else. I could do this, I should have done that, yada yada. I feel like after this summer, I’ll be taking the bull by the horns (so to speak) and running with it. I have a lot of motivation. Mostly, my girls and husband. They are a great motivation.

My anxiety and depression has been kept under control. My mind frame is pretty healthy and I’m pretty excited…about what exactly ? I’m not sure. Just life. Watching my girls grow, seeing my husband slide down a slide with Olive in his arms and kissing boo boos on Clementine makes me remember how wonderful things are. Having so many people around me that are helpful, supportive, etc. is a bonus. I’m lucky. I need to remember that and remind myself of everything that is so wonderful and positive. I have a husband that is incredible. He’s caring, active, and still looks at me in a way that makes me giddy.

We had a date night last night. It consisted of no kids, Thai food, and that really cheesy movie, Insidious. It was great. We drank too much Merlot and woke up to go to a birthday celebration at his parents house that included a ton of steamed crabs !

I can only look at people and wish them well. I really do. I have a small list of people I just completely hate and really wouldn’t flinch if they ended up dead. That number used to be much, MUCH, larger. So that’s an improvement…right ?

Birthday Time !

It’s my birthday tomorrow. July 9th. I’m excited this year and I’m not quite sure why.

Actually, I might know why. I work at a pool this summer with my BFF and the kids there are amazing. Even the early teenagers. I love them…they keep telling me how excited they are to give me my gifts tomorrow. To surprise me. They sincerely love me…and I believe them. I never question them. I love some of them to death. T-money ? Tyler ? Tia ? Ugh, I adore them. They candidly talk to me about their ups and downs, their struggles, etc. I love their open hearts. Talking to them makes me feel better about life and I mentally make an effort to support and uplift them…in any tiny way that I can.

Life is good. Money sucks. The usual. Paxil has me on a consistant level which is appealing. I hung out with my old best friend and it was nice…she hasn’t really contacted me to hang out since then, so that kinda bummed me out…but whatever. I hate “whatever”, but it’s the only word I have for it. I can’t be upset, I won’t be upset about it really. Shrug my shoulders and move on !

I am looking forward to a trip to California sometime soon. My Uhnet got married and I have to see her beautiful face and amazing husband. I love him. They are wonderful together ! I miss her. Her laugh, her eating habits, her reactions to movies….she’s amazing to say the least.

I love my Katie…So much that I got her name tattooed on me. She saw me when I was in the hospital. She came to me aid when I had an allergic reaction at 8am. She is always there when I need her…she’s extremely loyal and I completely love her. Have we been friends for long ? Nope, but you don’t find that loyalty that easily. To put it simply, she’s somethin’ special.

I feel loved lately. I feel adored. I love life. I love the people surrounding me.

You Can Go…

I’m watching, Born Into This. Again. For a ridiculous amount of times. I am obsessed…obsessed with Charles Bukowski. I have yet to find the reason. I think it is purely based on how he interacts with humanity, how he writes…everything is beautiful to me.

Lately ? Not much is new. Work. Soon to be school. Drinking. Photos.

Life is really amazing right now. I realize how many people, sure, it’s not in a vast amount, that sincerely care about me.

I almost died last Friday. I ate a Brazil nut…I have eaten them before as a child, but this time…something was wrong. I tried to swallow. Maybe it’s stuck in my throat ? Right ? If I take a hot shower it will help. Wrong. I had to call 911. I had to call an ambulance. They were here within 10 minutes. I immediately felt guilty. Thanks, childhood. I asked them if I should really go…am I overreacting ? The EMT Josh, suggested…highly…that I go. Now I have to carry Epipens where ever I go. Delightful.

It was scary. Olive was with me and had to ride on my lap in the ambulance. She was so well behaved, it terrified me. It’s as if she just knew that something was wrong. Children are smarter than you think…or than the general think.

Besides my near death…from a fucking nut…life has been great.

I’ll write more…more in depth tomorrow. More about the 9 year old adopted boy who’s mother stabbed her own stomach while pregnant…the boy I completely adore…at 9 he has no idea what an influence he has on my mind. Or my heart.

Pursuit of Happiness

Life is good. We’re still broke…but my mental state is stable and functioning. I’m working with my best friend throughout the summer…it’s fun, laid back, and I completely adore her. I still have some bitterness for other people, especially since I have moved to Annapolis, closer to the assholes, but I’m slowly getting over it and realizing their lives are far from perfect and hat karma will be quickly occurring.

“People told me, slow my roll, I’m screamin’ out, “FUCK THAT !” – Kid Cudi is currently my motto for life. I am living life like crazy. Things are great. I’ll elaborate more on another day…soon…I promise.

Mother’s Day.

These are my girls. However, they are much older now. Clementine is now a whopping THREE ! Olive is almost 18 months but two pounds less than her sister…she can literally kick toddler ass and has no qualms about doin’ it.

I just love this photo of them. I’ll miss when Clementine’s hemangioma goes away…it’s almost gone ! She tells me everyday, “Look mom ! My birthmark is almost gone !”. Mother’s day is almost here and even though I hardly ever think of my mother anymore, she’s pretty much dead to me, but it’s not a bad thing. Life has been on the up and up despite a few minor bumps, a hospitalization, loss of a friend, things happen for a reason. I found better friends, a new lease on life, and someone who makes me a better person.

I keep talking about having a third (NOT until school is finished, of course !), but I don’t know. I love pregnancy. I absolutely loved labor…I would have been so incredibly disappointed if I had to have a c-section, never would I elect it ! However, with all that said, so many children need to be adopted. So, it just pulls on my heart-strings.

Sometimes, like yesterday, I get overwhelmed. One child is a cake walk, bring a second or third…and then you need to talk to me. I’m sick as shit, do I get a day off ? No way ! I sometimes find myself flustered but by the night when the house is calm, I miss them. Even though they are right next to me, a door away. I miss the noise. I miss the random “mamas” and “mommy, you so pretty !”. I miss the inquisitive personalities, the love, the fascination at what I find to be simple.

Clementine is three so her personality is already there. She’s sweet, extremely caring, concerned, and over all incredibly well-behaved. She can sit through a two-hour graduation (boring, I know), without a peep ! I adore her. I can, literally, sit with her and have full-fledged conversations (no baby talk, thanks !). I love her sensitivity and her compassion. She rubs my head when I don’t feel well, she kisses her sister’s boo boos.

Olive is almost 18 months, like I said, and her personality is still there. She’s a spitfire. She’ll tell you “NO!!!” loud and clear ! The lady doesn’t wanted to be restricted, she’s a mover and a go getter ! Yet, she gives kisses left and right and has moments of tender, quietness that I just cherish.

I have my mistakes and accidents as a mother and I’m sure many more are to come. One thing is, I know I am a great mom. I love my girls more than life. The one thing in my life that I feel certain about is the fact that my girls are going to grow up to be amazing women. Whatever they choose to do, whoever they choose to be, I will be excited for them and love them endlessly.

Ah.

Spring, it is upon us. Officially, right ? Whatever, either way it finally feels warm enough to outside at night without dreading it. Makes me a happy lady.

I know, I’ve been missing in action…in a lot of aspects of my life. We’ve just been figuring budgets and schools and life alterations. All for the best.

As I’ve said before, we’ve been struggling financially and it has a tendency to make me bitter. I do not, in any way, feel entitled to anything, ever. I just want to punch the lazy assholes who have their parents giving them handouts left and right. Grow up. Then again, after the bitter feeling is said and done, I feel better about myself. I rather pay my own bills and have a feeling of accomplishment than heading towards mom or dad. No thanks.

Now, our lease is up in May, we were reluctant to sign another year-long lease, so my husband’s former boss offered up his house in Annapolis (he usually rents it out, but it’s been empty for quite a bit) in exchange for Josh doing labor around the house. Um, did he just say free rent, basically ?! Yeah, he did. Finally, a chance to save, get rid of medical bills, and get ahead. Josh’s mom even sat down with us and wrote down all of our expenses and is working out a budget plan for us. His parents are amazing with money, so this makes me extremely excited !

I really despise Annapolis. I hate the people, I hate the snobs, I hate the attitude. I hate people who drive ridiculously expensive cars. You do not impress me, in fact, you disgust me. I do appreciate the help, so I’ll set all the former aside.

All in all, life is pretty fucking sweet right now. The improvement in weather, finances, and friends is enough to make me want to squeel…literally. School is starting back up again soon ! I’m glad to be doing something positive with my life and enhancing my overall well-being with education. I couldn’t imagine sitting around with only a graduation certificate from beauty school. That’s totally fine if that’s what you want to do, I just feel that I would be giving myself the short end of the stick if I didn’t pursue something more…real.

I have to keep reminding myself that things happen in baby steps. I cannot wake up and have a Masters in Public Health overnight. Sometimes, when I forget to keep that nugget of knowledge in my mind, I get frustrated. I want to accomplish so much and quickly, but it’s not always feasible.

I dropped the clinical study. It was kind of a bummer to drop, but I decided to go back on Paxil and the drive was depressing enough back and forth.

My mental health has been pretty much on the up and up. Josh and I have been great together. I love marriage. I couldn’t imagine my life without him or his family. Sure, my in-laws sometimes get on my nerves (I call this natural), but I love them to death.

I have been having this urge. It’s an urge to give more. I donate blood every 56 days, I give to charities when I can, I donate food and clothing, but I feel like I want to give time. I wanted to start volunteering at a hospice. So, I’ll be looking into that this upcoming week.

Easter doesn’t matter to me, but I did make the girls’ Easter baskets which always makes me happy.

All in all, life is good…and I’d like this moment to last…I have a great feeling it will.